


How I Met Your Father

by letsbegin



Category: Game of Thrones (TV)
Genre: Alternate Universe - Modern Setting, Better ending then the show, Fluff, Getting Together, How I Met Your Mother AU, I guess technically, I suck at tags, Jon is Marshall, Kid Fic, Loras is Barney, M/M, Renly is Robin, Robb is Ted, Robb/Theon eventually, Slow Burn, Theon is the father, Ygritte is Lilly, and I guess angst, loras/Renly eventually, more characters to be added throughout
Language: English
Status: In-Progress
Published: 2021-03-13
Updated: 2021-03-15
Packaged: 2021-03-20 21:33:44
Rating: General Audiences
Warnings: Creator Chose Not To Use Archive Warnings
Chapters: 2
Words: 8,391
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/30011250
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/letsbegin/pseuds/letsbegin
Summary: It's a Throbb How I Met Your Father au with Jon/Ygritte and eventual Loras/Renly.
Relationships: Jon Snow/Ygritte, Loras Tyrell/Other(s), Renly Baratheon/Loras Tyrell, Renly Baratheon/Robb Stark, Robb Stark/Other(s), Theon Greyjoy/Robb Stark
Comments: 2
Kudos: 5





	1. Pilot

**Year 2030**

“Kids, I’m gonna tell you an incredible story; the story of how I met your father” Robb said and the kids looked at him confused.

“Are we being punished for something?” Eoin asked.

“No”

“Is this gonna take a while?” Aarin complained.

“Yes. Twenty-five years ago, before I was Dad I had this whole other life” Robb started and the kids slouched back.

“It was way back in 2005. I was twenty-seven, just starting to make it as an architect and living in New York with Jon. My life was good. And then Uncle Jon went and screwed the whole thing up”

**2005**

“Will you marry me?” Jon opened the ring box.

“Yes. Perfect! And then you’re engaged. You pop the champagne. You drink a toast. You have sex on the kitchen floor. Don’t have sex on our kitchen floor” Robb said, instantly regretting giving him the idea.

“Got it. Thanks for helping me plan this out, Robb” Jon thanked him as he grabbed two beers and handed one to Robb

“Dude, are you kidding? It’s you and Ygritte. I’ve been there for all the big moments of you and Ygritte: night you met, your first date, other first things” Robb winced at that particular memory and took a large sip from his beer while Jon laughed sheepishly.

“Yeah, sorry. We thought you were asleep”

“It’s physics, Jon. If the bottom bunk moves, the top bunk moves, too,” They both took another sip of their beers before Robb spoke again, “My god. You’re getting engaged tonight”

“Yeah. What’re you doing tonight?”

_What was I doing? Here Uncle Jon was taking the biggest step of his life. And me? I’m calling up your Uncle Loras_

“Hey so you know how I’ve always had a thing for half-Asian guys?” Was the first thing Loras said when he picked up the phone later that day and Robb put his head in his hand, “Well, now I’ve got a new favorite-- Lebanese guys. Lebanese guys are the new half-Asains”

“Hey, want to do something tonight?” Robb decided to just ignore what Loras had said, it was always the best course of action.

“Okay, meet me at the bar in fifteen minutes. And suit up!” Loras exclaimed before hanging up.

When robb walked into the bar he was not wearing a suit.

“Hey” He greeted Loras.

“Where’s your suit? Just once, when I say suit up, I wish you’d put on a suit” Loras said incredulously. 

“I did, that one time”

“It was a blazer!”

“You know ever since college it’s been Jon and Ygritte and me. Now, it’s gonna be Jon and Ygritte, and me. They’ll get married, start a family. Before long, I’m that weird, middle-aged bachelor their kids call Uncle Robb” Robb complained and Loras slapped him upside the head.

“First thing, Jon is your cousin, his kids would be your cousins, you’re literally related to them. And second, I see what this is about. Have you forgotten what I said to you the night we met?”

*Flashback*

“Robb, I’m gonna teach you how to live” A strange blonde man said as he slid into a booth next to Robb and put an arm around him. He continued when Robb looked at him confused, “Loras. We met at the urinal”

“Oh right. Right” Robb nodded, still confused.

“Lesson one: lose the beard, it doesn’t go with your suit”

“I’m not wearing a suit”

“Lesson two: get a suit. Suits are cool. Exhibit A” The man gestured at his suit, “Lesson three: don’t even think about getting married till you’re thirty”

*End of flashback*

“Thirty. Right. You’re right. I guess it’s just, your best friend gets engaged, you start thinking about that stuff” Robb sighed.

“I thought I was your best friend. Robb, say I’m your best friend”

“You’re my best friend, Loras”

“Good. Then as your best friend, I say we play a little game I like to call ‘Haaave you met Robb?’” Loras said, already starting to look around.

“No, no, no. We’re not playing ‘Have you met Robb?’” Robb tried to stop Loras but it was too late.

“Hi, have you met Robb?” Loras asked the guy sitting at the bar next to him.

“Hi, I’m Robb”

“Rida”

“That’s a very nice name”

“Thanks. It’s Lebanese” 

  
  
  


Meanwhile in the apartment Ygritte had just arrived.

“Hey!” Jon greeted her, walking out of the kitchen.

“I’m exhausted. It was finger-painting day at school and a five year-old boy got to second base with me” Ygritte pulled off her leather jacket to reveal a purple handprint right breast, “Wow! You’re cooking?”

“Yes, I am”

“Aw,” Ygritte walked over to kiss Jon, “Are you sure that’s a good idea? After last time you looked really creepy without eyebrows”

“I can handle this. I think you’ll find I’m full of surprises tonight”

“So, there’s more surprises? Like what?”

_Jon was in his second year of law school so he was pretty good at thinking on his feet._

“Boogedyboo!” Jon yelled waving his hands in front of her face, “And that’s all of ‘em. I’m gonna go cook now”

  
  
  


“I’m so happy for Jon, I really am. I just couldn’t imagine settling down right now” Robb said to Rida after they’d sat in a booth.

“So do you think you’ll ever get married?”

“Well, maybe eventually, some fall day, possibly in Central Park. Simple ceremony. We’ll write our own vows. Band, no DJ. People will dance! I’m not gonna worry about it! Damn it, why did Jon have to get engaged?” Robb dropped his head onto his hand before sitting back up, “Yeah, nothing hotter than a guy planning out his own imaginary wedding, huh?”

“Actually, I think it’s cute”

“Well, you’re clearly drunk. One more for the gentleman!” Robb held up Rida’s empty beer bottle.  
  


“Oh, hey, look what I got” Jon jumped off the counter where he was watching Ygritte cook and pulled a bottle of champagne out of the fridge.

“Oh, honey! Champagne” She said and handed the bottle back to him.

“Yeah,” Jon said and handed the bottle back.

“No. You are too old to be scared to open a bottle of champagne”

“I’m not scared”

“Then open it” Ygritte goaded, holding out the bottle.

“Fine” Jon took the bottle, then passed it back, “Please open it?”

“You are unbelievable Jon”

_There’s two big questions a man has to ask in life. One, you plan out for months. The other just slips out when you’re half drunk in some bar._

“Will you marry me?” Jon dropped down on one knee and opened the ring box.

  
  


“You wanna go out some time?” Robb asked.

  
  


“Of course, you idiot!” Ygritte tackled Jon to the ground in a hug.

  
  


“I’m sorry, Carl’s my boyfriend” Rida pointed to where the bartender was looking at them behind the bar.

“ ‘Sup Carl?” Rob waved awkwardly.

  
  


“I promised Robb we wouldn’t do that” Jon sighed happily as they both sat up on the kitchen floor.

“Did you know there’s a Pop Tart under your fridge?”

“No, but dibs. Where’s that champagne?” Jon asked as he reached up to the counter to grab it, “I wanna drink a toast, with my fiance”

“I’ll get glasses” Ygritte kissed him on the cheek before standing.

“I don’t know why I was so scared of this. It’s pretty easy right?” Jon popped the cork and Ygritte screamed.

  
  
  


“Why am I freaking out all of a sudden? This is crazy, I’m not ready to settle down” Robb asked Loras who, as usual, wasn’t listening.

“How does Carl land a Lebanese guy?”

“The plan has always been don’t even think about it until you’re thirty”

“Exactly. The guy doesn’t even own a suit” 

“Plus, Jon’s found the love of his life. Even if I was ready, which I’m not, but if I was, it’s, like, ‘Okay, I’m ready. Where are they?’” Robb asked sarcastically before his eyes landed on a brunette on the other side of the bar. The guy was gorgeous.

_And there he was. It was like something from an old movie, where the sailor sees the girl from across the crowded dance floor, turns to his buddy and says, “See that girl? I’m gonna marry her someday?”._

“Hey, Loras, see that guy?”

“Oh yeah. You just know he likes it dirty. Go say hi” Loras nudged him.

“I can’t just go say hi. I need a plan. I’m gonna wait till he goes to the bathroom, then I’ll strategically place myself by the jukebox” Robb didn’t notice Loras turning to the person that had just stood next to them at the bar.

“Hi, have you met Robb?” Robb turned when he heard Loras give the line and saw his friend walk away while the handsome brunette turned to him, evidently having crossed the bar when Robb was talking.

“Hi,” Robb said awkwardly.

“Let me guess, Robb?” The guy smirked and Robb nodded.

  
  
  


“Sorry, Ygritte. I’m so sorry” Jon apologised as they climbed into a cab, Ygritte holding an ice pack to her eye. He then turned to the cab driver, “Take us to the hospital”

“Whoa, whoa, whoa, did you hit her?” He asked and Jon and Ygritte laughed.

“Hit me? Please! This guy can barely even spank me in the bedroom for fun. He’s all like ‘Oh, honey. Did that hurt?’ And I’m like ‘Come on! Let me have it you pansy!’ Wow, a complete stranger” Ygritte said when she noticed what she had said.

“No, no, no, no! It’s okay. Go on. So, these spankings, you in pajamas or au naturel?” The drier asked as he started driving and Jon and Ygritte looked at each other.

  
  
  


“So what do you do?” Robb asked the guy.

“I’m a reporter for Metro News One”

“Oh”

“Well, kind of a reporter. I do those dumb little fluff pieces at the end of the news. You know, like, monkey who can play the ukulele. But I’m hoping to get some bigger stories soon”

“Bigger like a gorilla with an upright bass? Sorry. You’re really hot” Robb blushed and the brunette laughed before waving to a table where two girls and a guy were looking annoyed, “Oh, your friends don’t seem too happy”

“Yeah, see, the one in the middle just got dumped by her boyfriend so tonight, every guy is ‘the enemy’ except me and Jamie over there”

“You know, if it’ll make your friend feel better you could throw a drink in my face. I don’t mind” Robb offered.

“She would love that! And it does look fun in the movies” 

“Hey, you wanna have dinner with me Saturday night?” 

“Oh, I can't. I'm going to Orlando for a week on Friday. Some guy’s attempting to make the world’s biggest pancake. Guess who’s covering it?”

“That’s gonna take a week?”

“Yeah, he’s gonna eat it too. It’s another record”

“Hey! What’s taking so long?!” One of the man’s friends called.

“I know this is a long shot but, how bout tomorrow night?” Robb tried.

“Yeah. What the hell?” The guy agreed and clandestinely slid a business card over to him on the bar before picking up his drink, “Jerk!” He shouted as he threw the liquid in Robb’s face, smirked, and started to walk away, “That was fun”

“De… wait for it…” Loras said as he walked back over laughing, “nied! Denied!”

“We’re goin’ out tomorrow night” Robb held up the card with a smirk.

“I thought we were playing laser tag tomorrow night” Loras pouted.

“Yeah, I was never gonna go play laser tag” Robb said as he wiped his face.

_The next night I took him to this little bistro in Brooklyn._

“Wow. That is one badass blue French horn” He said and Robb turned to look at the french horn hanging on the wall.

“Yeah. Sort of looks like a smurf penis”

_Piece of advice: when you go on a first date, you really don’t wanna say “smurf penis”. People don’t ordinarily like that._

The brunette choked on his drink when he laughed.

_But this was no ordinary guy._

  
  
  


“Ygritte?” Jon said when he and Ygritte were sitting on the couch, Ygritte with a patch over her left eye, and Ygritte jumped in her seat.

“How long have you been sitting there? Stupid eye patch”

“Mom, Dad, I’ve found the future Mrs. Robb Stark” Robb announced, dramatically entering the apartment, “Jon, how have I always described my perfect person?”

“Let’s see, likes dogs?”

“I’ve got five dogs,” His date said.

“Drinks scotch?”

“I love scotch that’s old enough to order it’s own scotch”

“Can quote obscure lines from Ghostbusters?”

“Ray! When someone asks you if you’re a god, you say ‘Yes!’”

“And I’m saving the best for last”

“Do you want these? I hate olives” He said, holding a plate of olives towards Robb.

“She hates olives! Awesome!” Jon cheered.

“The olive theory” Ygritte wrapped an arm around Jon.

“The olive theory is based on my friends Jon and Ygritte. He hates olives, she loves them. In a weird way, that’s what makes them such a great couple. Perfect balance” Robb explained to his date as ate one of the olives.

“You know, I’ve had a jar of olives just sitting in my fridge forever”

“I could take them off your hands”

“They’re all yours”

  
  
  


“Oh it is on!” Jon yelled before starting to sing, “It is on till the break of dawn”

“But wait,” Ygritte interrupted, “It’s only the break of 10:30, what happened?”

  
  
  


“I’ve gotta get one of those blue french horns for over my fireplace,” His date said as Robb walked him back to his apartment, “It’s gotta be blue. It’s gotta be French”

“No green clarinet?”

“Nope”

“Come on, no purple tuba?” Robb asked as they got to the steps of the brunette’s building.

“It’s a smurf penis or no dice” He said and they both laughed.

“There you are!” A woman yelled as she pulled up in a news van, “We got a jumper. Some crazy guy on the Manhattan Bridge. Come on, you’re covering it!”

“Um, alright I’ll be right there” Robb’s date said before turning to him, “I’m sorry I had a really great time tonight”

“Yeah”

  
  


“So?! Did you kiss him?” Jon asked excitedly.

“No. The moment wasn’t right. Look, this guy could actually be my future husband. I want our first kiss to be amazing”

“Aw, Robb, that is so sweet. So you chickened out like a little bitch”

“What? I didn’t chicken out. You know what? I don’t need to take first kiss advice from some pirate who hasn’t been single since the first week of college”

“Anyone who is single would tell you the same thing, even the dumbest single person alive. And if you don’t believe me, call him”

  
  


“Hey, loser. How’s not playing laser tag?” Loras asked when Robb called him, “Because playing laser tag is awesome! Oh, I killed you Connor! Don’t make me get your mom!”

“Hey, listen. I need your opinion on something”

“Okay, meet me in the bar in fifteen minutes. And suit up!”

  
  


“So, these guys think I chickened out. What do you think?” Robb asked when they were all sitting in the bar and he’d told Loras the whole story.

“I can’t believe you’re still not wearing a suit” Loras exclaimed indignantly.

“He didn’t even give me the signal”

“What, is he gonna, he gonna bat his eyes at you in morse code? ‘Robb’” Loras started blinking in morse code, “‘kiss me’ No! You just kiss him!”

“Not if you don’t get the signal” Robb insisted and Loras rolled his eyes. He looked around a second before grabbing Jon’s face and kissing him.

“Did Jon give me the signal?”

“No!” Jon yelled and turned to Ygritte, “I didn’t. I swear”

“But at least tonight I get to sleep knowing Jon and me, never gonna happen. You shoulda kissed him”

“I should’ve kissed him,” Robb sighed, “Well, maybe in a week when he gets back from Orlando”

“A week? That’s like a year in hot guy time. He’ll forget all about you. Mark my words-- you will never see that one again” Loras said but Robb’s eyes had moved to the tv.

“There he is” He said and everyone turned to where the guy was on tv.

“Ooh! He’s cute” Ygritte nudged Robb, “Hey, Carl, turn it up”

“...persuaded him to reconsider. At which point, the man came down off the ledge, giving this bizarre story a happy ending. Reporting from Metro One News…”

“Huh, guy didn’t jump” Jon turned back to face the group.

“I’m gonna go kiss him. Right now” Robb stood up.

“Look, dude. It’s midnight. As your future lawyer, I’m gonna advise you that’s freakin’ crazy” Jon tried to dissuade him.

“I never do anything crazy. I’m always waiting for the moment, planning the moment. Well, he’s leaving tomorrow. This may be the only moment I’m going to get. I gotta do what that guy couldn’t. I gotta take the leap!” Robb paused a moment, “Okay, not a perfect metaphor, ‘cause for me it’s fall in love and get married, and for him it’s...death”

“Actually, that is a perfect metaphor,” Loras nodded before turning to Jon and Ygritte, “By the way, did I congratulate you two?”

“I’m doing this” Robb started to leave and the group quickly gathered their things.

“Let’s go” Ygritte grabbed Jon’s hand and followed Robb, “We’re coming with you”

“Loras?” Robb asked. 

“All right, but under one condition”

  
  


“Look at you, you beautiful bastard” Loras grinned as he looked at Robb in a suit while they rode in a cab to the guy’s place, “You suited up! This is totally going on my blog!”

“Stop the car. Pull over right here” Robb instructed the driver, “I gotta do something” He said before jumping out of the car.

“Excuse me! Pardon me!” He apologized as he ran through the restaurant and climbed onto a table, “Just a sec, enjoy your coffee”

“Hey! Hey!” One of the waiters yelled as Robb ran out of the building with the blue french horn.

“Go! Go! Go!” He yelled as he got back in the car and the driver pulled away. Everyone looked at the horn, “Everybody brings flowers”

“Okay. Moment of truth. Wish me luck” Robb said when they arrived.

“Robb’s gonna get it on with a tv reporter. ‘This just in’ Okay” Loras grinned and held up his hand for a high five but dropped it when no one high fived him.

“Kiss him Robb!” Ygritte exclaimed, “Kiss him good!” 

“Kiss the crap out of that guy!” Jon joined in.

“Jon, remember this night. When you’re the best man at our wedding, and you give a speech, you’re gonna tell this story” Robb said before opening the car door.

“Why does he get to be the best man?” Loras complasked as Robb got out, “I’m your best friend!”

_As I walked up to that door, a million thoughts raced through my head. Unfortunately one particular thought did not._

As soon as Robb pressed the buzzer dogs started barking. Robb panicked and started running back to the car.

“No!” Ygritte yelled.

“Get back in there!” Jon ordered.

“You’re wearing a suit!” Loras joined in, so Robb walked back to the door.

“Robb?” A voice called from a window above and Robb looked up.

“Hi” Robb greeted, “I was just, uh” He held up the french horn.

“Come on up” The brunette smiled.

“He’s in” Jon smiled.

“So, Ranjit, you ever done it with a Lebanese guy?” Loras asked the driver.

“Okay, that’s my Loras limit. I’m gonna see if that bodega has a bathroom” Ygritte said before climbing over Jon to get out of the cab.

“Actually, I’m from Bangladesh,” Ranjit answered.

“The guys hot there?”

“I’m a guy from there”

“A simple no would have sufficed” Loras whispered to Jon before turning back to the driver, “You’re very handsome”

  
  


“So, Robb, what brings you back to Brooklyn at one in the morning in a suit?”

“I was just hoping to...get those olives..that you said I could have”

“Would you like those olives with gin and vermouth?”

“Are you trying to get me drunk?” Robb smirked and the brunette walked closer, pressing a button on his stereo.

“For starters” He winked before stepping back and walking to the kitchen while slow music started playing.

  
  


“So, Jon, this olive theory based on you and Ygritte?” Loras asked.

“Yeah”

“You hate olives. Ygritte loves ‘em. You can’t stand ‘em”

“Yeah. Hate olives”

“Two weeks ago, Spanish bar on 79th street, dish of olives, you had some-- what up?” Jon looked around guiltily.

“You have to swear that this does not leave this cab”

“I swear,” Loras promised.

“I swear,” Ranjit promised.

“On our first date, I ordered a Greek salad. Ygritte asked if she could have my olives. I said, ‘sure, I hate olives’”

“But you like olives”

“Well, I was 18, okay? I was a virgin. Been waiting my whole life for a girl to want my olives”

“Jon, I’m gonna give you an early wedding present. Don’t get married”

  
  
  


Robb and the brunette slow danced to the music while his dogs sat around.

“I think I like your olive theory”

“I think I like your new french horn”

“I think I like your nose” their faces were getting closer.

“I think I’m in love with you”  
  


“What?!” His friends yelled when he told them the story at the bar.

“What?!” The twins yelled when he told them the story in the future.

“What?” The brunette asked.

“Come on man, you said your stomach’s been hurting, right? You know what that is. Hunger. You’re hungry for experience. Hungry for something new. Hungry for olives. But you’re too scared to do anything about it” Loras said.

“Yeah, I’m scared, okay? But, when I think of spending the rest of my life with Ygritte-- committing, forever, no other women-- doesn’t scare me at all” Jon said unaware that Ygritte was standing outside the car next to him, “I’m marrying that girl,” Ygritte wrapped her arms around him through the window and he turned to her, “Ygritte. Ygritte, I like olives”

“We’ll make it work” Ygritte kissed him.

Robb and the brunette sat on the couch in awkward silence for a while.

“So, Orlando. You gonna hit Disneyworld?” Robb tried to lighten the situation.

“You love me?!”

“I-I-I can’t believe I said that. Why did I say that? Who says that? I should just go” Robb blushed immensely and stood up.

“Hold on. Wait a minute,” The brunette stood to and grabbed the olives, “Promised you these”

“Olives. Thanks. I love you. What is wrong with me?!”

“Why are we still sitting here? Let’s go. We can still make last call. What’d you say, Ygritte? Yo-ho-ho and a bottle of rum?” Loras joked, “Cause you’re a pirate”

“Okay, eye patch, gone” Ygritte pulled off the patch, “And we can’t just abandon Robb. If it doesn’t go well up there, he’s gonna need some support”

“It’s been, like, 20 minutes. You think they’re doin’ it?” Jon asked Loras.

“You think they’re doin’ it in front or the dogs?”

“Doggy style” They both laughed.

“Hey, there was a guy in college, he had this golden retriever”

“Okay, we can go to the bar. Just stop talking” Ygritte interrupted.

“Hit it, Ranjit!” Loras instructed and the cab drove away. Right before Robb came out of the apartment with the brunette.

“So, when you tell your friends, can you avoid the word ‘psycho’? I’d prefer…’eccentric’”

“Good night… psycho” The brunette said and Robb pretended to be wounded before he walked down the stairs.

“Great” He said when he saw the cab was gone and turned back to the door, “How do I get to the F train?”

“Oh, um, two blocks that way and take a right” The guy answered and Robb started to walk away.

“You know what. I’m done being single. I’m not good at it. Look, obviously, you can’t tell a person you just met you love them. But, it sucks that you can’t. I’ll tell you something, though. If a person-- not you, just some hypothetical person-- were to bear with me through all this, I think I’d make a damn good husband. Because that’s the stuff I’d be good at, stuff like making them laugh and being a good father. And walking their five hypothetical dogs,” The brunette smiled, “Being a good kisser”

“Everyone thinks they’re a good kisser”

“Oh, I’ve got references”

“Good night, Robb” The brunette said and Robb held out his hand which he took.

“And I’m a good handshaker”

“That’s a pretty good handshake”

“And that was it I’ll probably never see him again” Robb sighed after recounting the night to his friends at the bar and they shook their heads, “What?”

“That was the signal!” Jon exclaimed.

“That long, lingering handshake? You should have kissed him” Ygritte agreed.

“There’s no such thing as the signal” Loras reiterated his stance from earlier, “But, yeah, that was the signal”

“Signal” Ranjit nodded.

“Ah, Carl, thank you” Jon thanked the bartender as he brought over a bottle of champagne and glasses, “There’s something I gotta do”

“By the way, you should’ve kissed him” Carl said to Robb before walking away.

“Carl! You guys weren’t even there” Robb turned back to his friends as Jon popped the cork out of the bottle.

“I am so turned on right now” Ygritte ran a hand down Jons arm as he poured.

“Guys, trust me. I’ve seen the signal. That was not the signal”

“Yeah, Robb, we’re not on you anymore” Loras said and picked up a glass of champagne.

“To my fiance” Jon raised his glass.

“To the future” Ygritte raised hers.

“To one hell of a night!” Ranjit said and they all cheersed.

“That was not the signal,” Robb said again.

_I asked him about it years later. And, yeah, that was the signal. I could have kissed him. But that’s the funny thing about destiny. It happens whether you plan it or not. I mean, I never thought I’d see that guy again, but it turns out I was just too close to the puzzle to see the picture that was forming._

**Year 2030**

“Because that, kids, is the true story of how I met your Uncle Renly” Robb finished and the kids’ smiles dropped.

“Uncle Renly?” Eoin asked confused.

“I thought this was how you met Papa!” Aarin exclaimed.

“Will you relax? I’m getting to it. Like I said, it’s a long story”


	2. Purple Giraffe

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Robb throws a party in hopes of seeing Renly again, but when he doesn't show up, he throws another... and another.

**Year 2030**

“Okay, where was I?” Robb asked.

“You were telling us how you met Papa” Aarin rolled her eyes.

“Oh right, so back in 2005, when I was 27, my two best friends got engaged, and it got me thinking, maybe I should get married. And then I saw Renly. He was incredible. I just knew I had to meet him. That’s where your Uncle Loras came in with ‘Have you met Robb?’. So I asked him out. And I know this sounds crazy, but after just one date I was in love with him. Which made me say something stupid” Robb re told the story of how he said ‘I love you’ on their first date.

“Oh, Dad” Aarin shook her head pityingly.

“So then what happened?” Eoin asked.

“Nothing. I mean, I’d made a complete fool of myself. So, a week went by, and I decided not to call him”

  
  


**2005**

  
  


“So you’re not gonna call him?” Jon asked as he, Robb, and Loras walked into the bar, “You went from, ‘I think I’m in love with you’ to ‘I’m not gonna call her again’?”

“I wasn’t in love with him, okay? I was briefly in love with the abstract concept of getting married. It had absolutely nothing to do with Renly” Robb paused as he got to there table to find Ygritte sitting with Renly, “Renly”

“Hi”

“Look who I ran into” Ygritte said.

“Since when do you guys know each other?” Robb asked.

“Oh, since about...here” He pointed to the halfway point of his mostly empty glass, “Ygritte recognised me from the news and,” Renly paused to look at Jon and Ygritte who were on the verge of fully making out, “Hello, sailor!”

“They just got engaged,” Robb explained and Ygritte showed off her ring behind Jon’s back. 

“Well, I should get back to the station, see you guys” Renly gathered his things and stood while Jon and Ygritte waved, not breaking their kiss, “Nice seeing you, Robb”

“Yeah, you too. Thanks,” Robb watched him walk away before dropping into a seat, “Damn it”

“What?” Ygritte looked at him confused.

“I’m in love with him” Robb sighed and Loras slapped him upside the head as he walked over with a tray of beers.

“As your sponsor, I will not let you relapse. You blew it, it’s over, move on”

“I don’t know, I just have this feeling, he’s the future Mr. Robb Stark” Robb said and Ygritte made what could only be described as a squeak, “Ygritte, you squeaked? He said something about me, didn’t he? Come on, spill it, Red!”

“Fine”

“So, what do you think of Robb?” Ygritte asked as she and Renly got their drinks at the bar and Renly chuckled.

“Robb’s something else”   
  


“Huh. I’m gonna spin that as good. Lots of guys are something, I’m something else”

“Comes on a little strong”   
  


“But, that’s part of my charm”   
  


“But, that’s part of his charm” Ygritte tried to talk Robb up to Renly.

“Oh, totally. I mean, he’s sweet, he’s charming, he’s just looking for something a little bit more serious than I am. I mean the most I candle right now is something casual. This just stays between us right?”

“Are you kidding? This flapper? Fort Knox”   
  


“Oops” Ygritte shrugged when she finished the story.

“He wants casual. Okay, I’ll be casual. I’m gonna be a mushroom cloud of casual. You know why? Cause it’s a game-- I wanted to skip to the end and do the whole happily-ever-after thing. But you don’t get there unless you play the game”

“So, are you gonna ask him out?” Jon asked.

“Yeah...no! I can’t ask him out, because if I ask him out, I’m asking him out. So, how do I ask him out, without asking him out?” Robb asked and he, Loras, and Jon took on pondering expressions.

“Did you guys get high?” Ygritte looked between them.

“I got it! I don’t ask him out. I invite him to our party next Friday”

“We’re having a party next Friday?” Jon asked, confused.

“We are now. Casual” Robb leaned back against the booth back.

“Yeah, cause nothing says ‘casual’ like inviting a hundred people over just to mack on one guy,” Loras mocked before turning to Ygritte, “Oh, and Ygritte, that’s my leg”

“You waited five minutes to tell me that?” Ygritte snapped.

“I’m gay not dead” Loras grinned smugly and Ygritte rolled her eyes.

“All right, call him up” Jon told Robb, ignoring what had just happened.

“No, calling’s not casual. I just gotta pump into him somewhere. Now, if only I knew his schedule, I could arrange a chance encounter”

“That’s great, Robb-- you’ll be the most casual stalker ever” Ygritte smiled sarcastically.

_ Now, ever since Jon put that ring on her finger, Ygritte had been, well, extra affectionate. _

“Baby, no” Jon chuckled as he tried to focus on his work while Ygritte played with her ring and made eyes at him, “I have a 25-page paper on constitutional law due on Monday. I’ve barely started”

“Hey, I’m just sitting here, wearing my ring, my beautiful ring. Kinda makes wearing other stuff seem wrong. Like my shirt. Kinda don’t want to wear my shirt anymore” Ygritte tried but Jon still kept typing, “Or my underwear. Oh. That’s right, I’m not wearing any”

Jon sighed and closed his laptop,

“No underwear?”

“Not even slightly”

“Guys” Robb interrupted from the couch, “Boundaries. There she is” He sat forward on the couch and turned up the tv.

“Thanks Bill. I’m reporting from the Razzle Dazzle Supermarket on 75th and Columbus” Renly said on tv and Robb jumped up.

“75th and Columbus,” He quickly grabbed his coat and opened the door, shouting, “Game on!” before running out.

“Where four-year-old Leroy Ellenberg has climbed inside a grab-a-prize machine and gotten stuck” Renly said into the camera as Robb ran down the streets of New York, “And all in the pursuit of a stuffed purple giraffe. For Metro News One, I’m Renly Baratheon”

“We’re clear” The cameraman said as Robb ran into the store.

“Robb” Renly greeted when he turned and noticed the redhead.

“Renly, wow! What are the odds?” Robb played dumb.

“What are you doing here?”

Oh. You know, just, uh, shopping for, uh, dip” Robb scrambled for an answer before noticing the shelf behind him, “I love dip. I mean, I don’t love dip. I like dip, as a friend, you know. So, uh, hey, you reporting a news story or something?”

“Yeah, kid stuck in a crane machine. How sweet of you to call it news”

“Wow” Robb acted as if he was just noticing the kid, ‘Kid in a crane machine,” Robb said before turning back to Renly, “You know, it’s so funny I ran into you. We’re having a party next Friday, if you feel like swinging by”

“Oh, I’m going back home next weekend. It’s too bad It’s not tonight”

“It is, it’s tonight” Robb mentally slapped himself, “This Friday. Did I say next Friday? Sorry, I guess I’ve been saying next Friday all week. But, yeah, it’s tonight, the party’s tonight”

  
  


Jon and Ygritte were laying in bed after, activities, when Jon’s phone started ringing.

“Hello?”

“Hey, am I interrupting anything?” Robb asked.

“No, no, I’m just writing my paper. Hitting the books”

“Yeah, well, you and Ygritte, might wanna put some clothes on. We’re throwing a party in two hours. Okay, bye” Robb hung up before Jon could reply.

  
  


A few hours later the party was in full swing. People were drinking and music was playing.

“So, Gatsby, what’re you gonna do when Renly shows up?” Jon asked.

“Okay, I got it all planned out. He steps through the door-- and where’s Robb? Not eagerly waiting by the door. No, I’m across the room at my drafting table, showing some foxy young thing,”

“Foxy?” Loras interrupted and was ignored.

“Showing some foxy young thing all my cool architecture stuff. So, Renly strolls over and I casually give him one of these: ‘Hey, what’s up?’ He says, ‘Hey, nice place, et cetera, et cetera’ And then I say, ‘Well, make yourself at home’ And I casually return to my conversation. Then, an hour later, ‘Oh, you’re still here?’ I say, like I don’t really care but it’s a nice surprise. And the, very casually: ‘Wanna see the roof?’”

“The roof!” Jon and Ygritte agreed.

“Get him up to the roof, and the roof takes care of the rest”

“What’s so special about the roof?” Loras asked, confused.

“You can’t not fall in love on that roof, or at least not wanna bang” Ygritte explained, “We do it up there sometimes”

“Solid plan, my little friend. But, may I suggest one modification?” Loras asked, wrapping an arm around Robb, “That foxy young thing you were chatting up, take them up to the roof and have sex. Crazy monkey style”

“That’s not the plan”

“It should be the plan. Statistic: At every New York party there’s always someone who has no idea whose party they’re at. They know no one you know, and you will never see them again. Do you see where I’m going with this?”

“Loras, I don’t think so” Robb said and Loras groaned.

“Come on, we’re gonna play a little game I like to call ‘Haaave you met Robb?’” Loras grabbed Robb’s hand and dragged him over to a handsome man.

“Oh come on, not this”

“Hi. Have you met Robb?” Loras asked the guy.

“No, hi”

“Hi”

“Do you know Jon? Ygritte?” Loras pointed to their friends.

“No”

“Do you know anyone at this party?”

“I work with Carlos”

“Excuse me,” Loras walked back to the group, “Anyone know a Carlos?”

“No” Everyone answered.

“On a silver platter. Bon appetit” Loras patted Robb’s shoulder.

“I don’t think so” Robb shook his head.

“Your loss, his gain,” Loras said before turning back to the guy, “Excuse me, can I show you the roof? It’s magical up there”

“Sure” They guy smiled and Loras started leading him to the fire escape.

“Wait, wait. Hey, hey, I got that roof reserved” Robb quickly stepped in front of them.

“Dude, Renly’s not coming” Loras moved around Robb.

“Hey, he’s going to show up!” Robb shouted at his back.

  
  


_ He didn’t show up. _

  
  


“At least it was a great party” Ygritte said the next morning when she, Robb, and Jon were sitting on the couch.

“I ate, like, four whole cans of dip” Jon tried to cheer Robb up.

“You always know what to say, Jon” Robb patted Jon’s knee before his phone started ringing and he checked it, “It’s Renly”

“Answer it”

“No, no, not right away-- I have to seem casual” Robb sat back before immediately leaning forward and picking up, “Hello?”

“I’m sorry I missed your party” Renly apologised.

“Who is this? Joshua?”

“Renly”

“Oh, Renly! Hey! Yeah, I guess you never showed up, did you? Robb played casual, standing up to pace.

“No, I got stuck at work. But, they finally got that kid out of the crane machine”

“Did he at least get to keep the purple giraffe?”

“Yeah, they let him keep all the toys. He was in there a long time, and little kids have small bladders” They both laughed, “I wish your party was tonight”

Robb looked at Jon and smiled. Jon smiled back.

“It is-- the party’s tonight” Jon jumped up but Robb waved him off, “It’s a two day party, ‘cause that’s how we roll” Robb grimaced at his own words along with Jon and Ygritte, “Uh, so, if you want me to swing by, you know, it’s casual. See ya” Robb hung up the phone and sheepishly turned to the others, “So, that was Renly”

“What are you doing to me man! I got a paper to write!” Jon yelled.

“I know! Sorry! It’s terrible! I’ll buy more dip!” Robb grabbed his coat and ran out of the apartment while Jon shouted.

“Robb! Robb, wait! Get french onion!” Jon slammed the door, “Can you believe that guy? I got a paper to write” he complained and Ygritte only played with her ring, “Okay, fine. But, it’s got to be, like, super-quick, and no cuddling after”

“I’m the luckiest girl alive” Ygritte said as she let Jon drag her to the bedroom.

“You were so right about the roof!” Loras said later that night during the party, “The roof! The roof is on fire, Robb! That guy from last night-- I took him back to my place, then this morning I took him outside, spun him around a couple more times and sent him walking. He will never find his way back, and there he is” Loras sighed when he saw the guy talking to someone near the door, “How did he get here? Did you invite him?

“I have no idea who he is. I probably should, he’s in my apartment” Robb paused then shrugged.

“He said he works with Carlos. Who’s Carlos?”

“I don’t know any Carlos. Again, I probably should know the people in my apartment” Loras groaned and turned to find the guy had walked over.

“Hi, you. You’re back!” He pasted on a fake smile.

“I sure am” He said before he kissed Loras, “Come on, I need a drink”

Loras mouthed ‘help’ as he was pulled to the kitchen.

“Whoa! Whoa, rabbits!” Robb hurried to stop Jon and Ygritte from going to the roof, “Come on, I got that roof reserved”

“Alright” Jon sighed and they both walked off.

“So, it’s over between me and works-with-Carlos guy” Loras walked over with a scotch.

“Whoa! That was fast”

“Yeah. I was trying to think, what’s the quickest way to get rid of a guy you just met?”

*Flashback*

“I think I’m in love with you” Loras told the guy as he poured a drink.

“What?!

*End of flashback*

“Thanks, bro” Loras patted Robb’s shoulder.

“Glad I could help” Robb sighed as his friend walked away before turning to the window where Jon and Ygritte had just snuck onto the fire escape, “No, no, no. Come on”

“Sorry Robb” Jon shrugged.

“Great. What am I going to do when Renly shows up?” Robb asked Loras who chuckled, “He’ll show up”

_ He didn’t show up. _

“All right. We threw two parties. Everybody had fun. Now, the kid has got to get to work, and the kid is not to be disturbed” Jon said, standing from where the three of them were sitting on the couch the next morning, “Repeat after me. I will not have sex with Jon”

“I will not have sex with Jon” Robb and Ygritte repeated boredly before the phone rang.

“It’s Renly,” Robb waited a moment before answering, “Hello”

“Hi Robb”

“Adrian?”

“It’s Renly”

“Oh, Renly. Hi” Robb said as he started pacing.

“I totally wanted to come. I got stuck at work again, I feel like I live there. I’m sorry I missed your party, again”

“Hey, ain’t no thang but a chicken wing” Robb face palmed and turned to Jon and Ygritte, “What am I doing?”

“I guess there’ no chance your two-dayer turned into a three-dayer?”

“It did, indeed. The party continues tonight” Robb ran away from Jon who tried to hit him, “Yeah, last night, people were like ‘Keep it going, bro party trifecta’”

“Wow! Okay, well, I’ll be there”

“Great! See you tonight” Robb hung up and avoided turning to Jon, “So, that was Renly”

  
  


_ So, I threw a third party for Renly… on a Sunday night. _

“Well, this is lame” Loras said, looking around at the maybe thirteen people in the apartment as he sat next to Robb.

“Lame… or casual?” 

“Lame”

“Or casual?” Robb continued and Loras just shook his head.

“Hey, law books,” Ygritte walked up to Jon, “Ready for a little fifteen minute recess?”

“Sorry, baby, I got to work. I need all my blood up here” Jon continued to look around the apartment, “Has anybody seen An Introduction to Contract Tort and Restitution Statutes from 1865 - 1923?” Everyone looked at him with blank looks, “Anybody seen a big-ass book?”

“Hello, Loras” A male voice spoke.

“Of course” Loras sighed and stood, turning to the guy.

“You look well. Is it weird they invited both of us?”

“Who? Who invited you? No one even knows who you are!” 

“I understand you’re hurt, but you don’t have to be cruel. Carlos was right about you” The guy shook his head and walked to the door.

“Who is Carlos?!” 

“Hey, where the hell is my…? Ohhh!” Jon yelled when he spotted his book on the coffee table and when he picked it up it was dripping wet, “Okay… An Introduction to Contract Tort and Restitution from 1865-1923 is not a coaster! Robb, I’m jeopardizing my law career so can throw not one, not two, but three parties for a guy you just met who’s probably not even going to show up! I mean, where is he Robb?! Huh?! Where’s Renly?!” Jon yelled at Robb then turned to find Renly standing next to Ygritte at the kitchen entrance, “Hi. Hi Renly. Wow” Jon dropped his book and pulled Ygritte away.

“So, you threw all these parties for me?” Renly asked, walking over to the couch where Robb was sitting.

“No” Robb stood, “Oh, you thought… No! I… okay, yes. You got me. One of the reasons I threw these parties was so that I could introduce you to, um, this guy” Robb said as Loras pushed a random guy over to him, “I figured, you know, since it didn’t work out between us and now we can just laugh about it, anyway, Renly this is…”

“Carlos” The guy said extending his hand and Robb and Loras turned to each other and went ‘ohhhh’

“He’s still talking to Carlos,” Robb sighed an hour later, watching Renly on the couch with Carlos, “I can still win this. I-it’s not over”

“Okay buddy,” Ygritte turned Robb towards herself, “Time for the tough talk. Renly seems great but let’s look at the facts. You want to get married. And right now, there’s millions of people in New York looking for exactly you. But Renly ain’t one of them”

“He’s not just one of them. He’s the one” Robb insisted.

“Yeah, well, the one is heading up to the roof” Loras said and they all turned to see Renly and Carlos climbing out the window onto the fire escape.

“What’re you gonna do?” Jon asked.

“Nothing. It’s a game. I just gotta keep playing it” Robb sighed and the others gave him some space while he stared at the window. After thinking about it he went over to the window and climbed out, going up to the roof. Renly and Carlos turned when they heard Robb.

“Carlos, can you give us a minute?” He asked as he walked over.

“Hey, no sweat, hombre” Carlos said before heading back down the fire escape.

“Renly, look, I didn’t throw this party to set you up with Carlos, or the before that, or the one before that. I threw these parties because I wanted to see you”

“Well, here I am”

“There’s something here, look, unless I’m crazy”

“You’re not crazy” Renly hesitated before continuing, “I don’t know, Robb. I mean, we barely know each other and you’re looking at me with that look, and it’s like”

“Like what?”

“Like, ‘Let’s fall in love and get married and have kids and drive them to soccer practice’”

“I’m not going to force sports on them unless they’re interested” Robb tried to joke.

“It’s a great look. But you’re looking at the wrong guy”

“No, I’m not”

“Yes, you are. I don’t want to get married right now, maybe ever. And, if we got together, I’d feel like I’d either have to marry you or break your heart, and.. I just couldn’t do either of those things. Just like you can’t turn off the way you feel”

“Click” Robb said as he mimed pressing a button on his heart, “Off. Let’s make out”

“What?” Renly laughed.

“What? That was the off switch. And I turned it off. I mean, look, sure, yes, I want to fall in love , get married, blah, blah, blah, but, on the other hand… You, me, the roof”

“There’s no off switch”

“There is an off switch, and it’s off”

“No, it’s not”

“Yes, it is” Robb stepped closer to Renly.

“No, it’s not” Renly said but he was smiling.

“Yes… it is” Robb said, then brought a hand up to Renly’s face and kissed him. Renly kissed back and deepened the kiss before they parted and Robb admitted, “No, it’s not. You’re right. There’s no off switch” Robb pulled a away and took a step back, “God I wish there was an off switch!”

“Me, too” Renly sighed before they both laughed.

“So, um, what do we do now?” Robb asked and Renly shrugged.

“We could be friends”

“Ohh” Robb put his hand over his heart like a mock wound.

“Look, I know it sounds insincere when people say that, but… we could”

“I don’t know, Renly. I’ve made such a jackass of myself here. We start hanging out, every time I see you it’ll be like, ‘Oh, that’s right. I’m a jackass’”

“You’re not a jackass. Look, I’m sorry. I only moved here in April and I’m always working and I just haven’t met a lot of good people so far. But I understand”

“Well, uh, maybe in a few months, after it’s not so fresh, we could all, uh, you know, get a beer”

“Yeah, that sounds good. I’ll see you, Robb” Renly said, before walking away.

“Or, you know, now” Robb said and Renly turned back to him, “We could all get a beer now”

“I’d like that,” Renly smiled.

“My friends are going to love you, like you, you know, as a friend” Robb said and hung his head, “Jackass”

  
  


“Unbelievable” Loras groaned watching the guy he’d rejected make out with Carlos in the bar, “That’s just a recipe for disaster. They work together!

“Are you jealous?” Robb mocked.

“Oh, please. What does Carlos have that I don’t?”

“A date tonight” Renly said and Robb high fived him.

“I’m not sure I like him” Loras complained and the others laughed.

“Hey, don’t you have a paper to write?” Robb turned to Jon.

“Dude, you’re talking to the kid”

“I know it”

“I’m gonna knock back this beer. I’m gonna knock back one more beer. I’m gonna go home. I’m gonna write a 25-page paper. I’m gonna hand it in and I’m gonna get an ‘A’” Jon said and the all laughed.

  
  


_ He got a B-minus. But still, 25 pages in one night, B-minus? The kid was good. _

“At least let me buy you a beer” Robb offered, “Come on, I’ll buy everyone a beer”

“I’ll help carry” Renly offered and they both stood up and walked to the bar, “You know something, Robb?”

“What?”

“You are a catch. You’re gonna make someone very happy. And I am going to help you find that person”

“Well, good luck. I mean, maybe New York’s just too big of a town. There’s millions of people in this city. How, in all this mess, is a guy supposed to find the love of his life? I mean, where do you even begin?” Robb asked and Renly turned to the girl next to them. 

“Hi. Have you met Robb?” Renly asked her and grabbed the pitcher of beer before walking away.


End file.
